Forget about ghosts; there's no such thing as leftover chocolate
By Burton W. Cole
Tonight is when pirates, ninja turtles, Barbies and princesses pound on doors yelling something incomprehensible, because masks cover their little faces. And that means starting tomorrow, leftover chocolates and other treats will show up at workplaces everywhere.
This is a very weird concept to me. What, exactly, is LEFTOVER chocolate? I had never heard of such a thing. Yet, every Nov. 1, a coworker dumps a big ol' bucket of little Hershey bars on a desk and proclaims that his wife again overestimated the number of trick-or-treaters that would show up.
No, Tom, she didn't overestimate. She underestimated your ability to understand chocolate hoarding strategy.
Other coworkers empty store shelves of discounted candy shaped like bats, pumpkins and — scariest of all — something called “fun size,” and it, too, would show up at work. And we didn't have to dress in weird costumes to have some. Our regular clothes were deemed weird enough.
But as I said, I am unfamiliar with the concept of chocolate that's LEFT OVER. Instead, let me treat you (or trick you) with other notes, quotes, adages and otherwise wise sayings from some of the great philosophers of the chocolate age.
“Sometimes I think I’m a full grown woman, then sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom with a piece of chocolate I said my kid couldn’t have.” — anonymous (for obvious reasons)
“Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it useful.” — anonymous
“When life gives you lemons, give them back and demand chocolate.” — anonymous
“Dip it in chocolate. It’ll be fine.” — anonymous
“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.” — good ol' Charles M. Schultz
“Attention! Chocolate can reduce the size of your clothes.” — anonymous
“Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree that makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.” — anonymous
“Other foods are just food. But chocolate is chocolate.” — Patrick Skene Catling
“I almost choked on a carrot today — all I could think was chocolate would’ve never done this to me.” — anonymous
“Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate. — Jo Brand
“Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.” — Dave Barry
“Research tells us that fourteen out of ten people love chocolate.” — Sandra Boynton
“Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies.” — John Tullius
“Day 12 without chocolate…lost hearing in my left eye.” — anonymous
“You can always trust me. Not alone with chocolate, but other than that.”— anonymous
“As long as there is chocolate, there will be happiness.” — Wayne Gerard Trotman
“I’m not sure how many chocolates equals happiness, but so far it’s not 27.” — anonymous
“Someday I will solve my problems with critical thinking, but today it will be with chocolate.” — anonymous
“Being a mom means knowing how to unwrap candy without making a sound…” — anonymous
“Don't think chocolate is a substitute for love... Love is a substitute for chocolate.” — Miranda Ingram
“There is nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate.” — Linda Grayson
“Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.” — Robert Orben
“Life happens. Chocolate helps.” — anonymous
“I’m not sure how many chocolates equals happiness, but so far it’s not 27.” — anonymous“When we don’t have the words chocolate can speak volumes.” — Joan Bauer
“Chocolate is cheaper than therapy, and you don't need an appointment.” — Jill Shalvis
“My soul’s had enough chicken soup. Now it wants chocolate!” — anonymous
Wish Cole happy leftover chocolate days — if any such thing exists — at burton.w.cole @ gmail.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.