‘Da-da’: An essential guide to baby talk for new fathers
By Burton W. Cole
“Congratulations to all the new dads out there. I got you a gift — “Grandpa Burt’s List of Words to Watch Out For When the Wee Ones Warble."
* "DA-DA": Traditionally Baby's first word, this starts it all with a warm, fuzzy wonder.
Yet this word, dear Dad, lands you squarely in hot baby formula with Mom: "I lugged this kid around for nine months. Giving birth felt like getting steamrollered by a Kenworth. I get up at 3 a.m. with the flu, two broken legs and rotten hair to feed him. Well, if he likes 'Da-Da' so much, YOU change that nasty diaper!"
* "NO": It's the word she hears most often from you as she snatches electrical cords and pin cushions from behind locked safes, tries to swallow pennies, or takes it upon herself to transfer the entire shoe closet into whatever openings she can find in the bathroom.
Naturally, it's the word she screams back at you, especially when you're trying to feed her mashed peas in a crowded restaurant or when Aunt Matilda — the wrinkly one with the dentures a couple sizes too big and goggles that enlarge those red eyes six or seven times — swoops in with a kiss.
* "MINE": This word takes possession of a 1-year-old who lays claim to everything in their immediate view.
Whatever you thought was yours is now hers. I think this phase lasts right through when she's old enough to drive, and commandeers your car. They no longer are your car keys. “Mine!”
But to realize the full, raw power of this single word, place two similarly-aged children — for best results, use siblings — in a room full of toys. Should this happen, just dial 9-1-1 and get out of the house until reinforcements arrive.
* "I DO IT": Baby wants to do everything you do — like pouring milk from a glass pitcher, clearing the table of fine china or hanging pictures with the power drill.
At this stage of his development, he wants to DO it all.
Enjoy this time. It gives way too soon to the phase when he KNOWS it all but won't do any of it. “Don't wanna” lasts much longer, about 70 years or so.
* "NOTHIN' ": She scrambles upstairs with a friend. You hear a small army — complete with shrill giggle war whoops — launch an offensive in her bedroom. The house quakes. You bellow, "What's going on up there!?"
She peers through the new hole in the ceiling, innocence blazing in her eyes. "Nothin'."
While it appears that Hurricanes Bonnie through Mitchell held a three-day hoedown in your home, nothin' ever happens. Just ask her. She'll tell you. Again.
* "I LOVE YOU": This is one of the sweetest phrases you'll ever hear, the one you live for — unless it’s embellished.
If it comes out, "You know what, Daddy? I really, really love you very, very much," then you know there's some serious wreckage in the dining room. Or the car's in the kitchen. Or the remains of the fish tank are sloshing and flopping all over the living room.
But somehow, you never get tired of hearing those words, even when they spell trouble.
Except maybe when they precede, "Now promise you won't get mad..."
Burt took language lessons from private tutors Melissa and Joshua. Spread sparkles all over Burt's beard at burton.w.cole@gmail.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at www.burtonwcole.com.