LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

One of my favorite holidays lands this week — Nov. 1. That’s when Halloween candy goes on sale! We can load up on pumpkin-shaped peanut butter cups, which make a whole lot more sense to me than ANYTHING labeled “pumpkin spice.”I hold nothing against pumpkin pie.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

All I wanted was some practical, fulfilling uses for that gooey, squishy stuff you scoop from inside Halloween pumpkins.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

Dried-up rubber bands and balls of single shoelaces. Nine-volt batteries and decks of cards without any aces.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

My heart skipped when I spotted the set of bedsheets with matching comforter that complemented the color scheme of my bedroom.A sense of excitement flushed over me as I gently positioned them in my shopping cart next to the memory foam bath mats.I have never been more frightened in my life.Is this...

Whatever I needed came free inside cereal boxes

Breakfast became boring when there no longer were free prize stashed inside every box.“But, Burt,” you say, “my Super Frosted Sugar-Coated Flakes do have prizes. All I have to do is scan this QR code…”Stop it!

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

Getting sick just isn’t any fun anymore.The best part of wallowing through a cold or flu or hangnail or some other major medical catastrophe was that it came with a free pass to drive my wife nuts.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

With age comes wisdom — or so is the claim. It’s my birthday week. Now that I’m older and grayer, I can hardly wait to figure out how much smarter I am.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

The geezer counting out his change lost track and started counting over. The kid in his 20s bouncing behind him let loose a tirade about the doltishness of old people.“What is this, a nursing home?” the youngster groused. “I mean, look at that guy.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

“Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”That was one of the nuggets I found in a packet mailed to me by my friend Marcie, aka, The Joke Lady.The thing is, she wasn’t joking.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

Over the years, I have carefully cultivated my persona as a guy who can’t fix things. You may laugh, but it’s kept me safely away from numerous repair jobs and household disasters.When the pipe under the sink let go, I heard, “Burt, help! Come out here and fix this… Never mind.