Pondering the imponderables and other conundrums
By Burton W. Cole
I’ve been in a philosophical mood lately — mostly because all philosophical requires is to lounge in my easy chair and think. The thinking part is optional.
It’s a wonderful activity needing no more physical exertion than the occasional stroll to the kitchen for more chocolate chip cookies.
Philosophical thinking is when you ponder imponderable concepts such as these:
• If a grocery store has a section for health food, then what’s in the rest of the store?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Is it similar to a combob? I know what it means to be discombobulated. So, should I reset my life goals to be whacked and combobbed.
• Wisdom chases after me. So far, I have been faster.
• I’m finally old enough to do anything I want — but now I’m too tired to do it.
• Do twins realize that one of them is unplanned?
• Every person who died climbing Mount Everest was once a highly motivated person. Staying lazy can save your life.
• When I was a kid, I thought “This little pig went to market” meant that he’d gone shopping.
• My memory is like an Etch-A-Sketch: I shake my head and forget everything.
• My brain logged me out due to inactivity. Now I can’t remember my password.
• Intentionally trying to lose a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as difficult as trying to win.
• It’s not the way I look that reveals my age, it’s my use of complete sentences when I text.
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?
• How do I set my laser printer on stun?
• Every time you clean something, you make something else dirty. What’s the point?
• Pi Day (3/14) is a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
• Is it possible that oxygen is slowly killing us, and it just takes 75 to 100 years to work?
• Brain cells die. Skin cells die. Hair cells die. But fat cells are forever.
• The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
• One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of people. If they laugh, you’re still young. If they panic and start fussing over you, you’re old.
• The key to looking busy at work is to look annoyed while walking around fast.
• I’ve reached the stage of life in which running errands counts as “going out.”
• If Steve Jobs was 21 when he founded Apple and Bill Gates 20 when he founded Microsoft, you know that it’s too late for you. Just give up.
• I don’t always carry all my groceries with one arm, but when I do, my keys are in that pocket.
• Our parents used to make us wait a half hour after eating before we could go swimming. They never appreciated it when I asked, “Do fish get cramps after eating? Why don’t they drown?”
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• If I jog backward, would I gain weight? For that matter, is that how I can turn back time?
• Is the person who sponges the dirt and dust off a Hoover called a vacuum cleaner?
• What did people go back to before drawing boards were invented?
• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• If I hear a rumor about butter, should I spread it?
• Why does Bugs Bunny put on a bathing suit to go swimming, yet he walks around the rest the cartoon without wearing a stitch of clothing?
• If I donate my body to science, will science take one look and donate it to Goodwill?
Ugh. All this philosophy has given me a brain cramp. Now comes my favorite part of being philosophical — the nap. If I dream about tortillas, that’ll be a wrap.
Get philosophical with Burt at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.