Thirty-one years ago this month, my husband had an accident that resulted in the loss of his ring finger. At that time, no one thought--us included--that he would be able to work again. He was a finish carpenter. That kind of detailed work requires two good hands. His future in that field at that time looked as if it was over, but after a few months of therapy, his hand returned to being as normal as it ever would be. He could flex it nearly as well as he ever could, and, as long as he is not taking change from a cashier, his hand operates as it did before the accident. This happened because he would not accept anything less.
That determination has rubbed off on me through the years. In my younger days, I was not one to carry out past what was expected; for example, I was not familiar with city life, so driving in Cincinnati was not an option. I was a girl, so I was nervous about going beyond what was the norm for girls.
Somewhere around middle age, those ideas started changing and now, as I lean ever so slightly toward sixty, I think I may go full-tilt against the expected norms.
This old dog is learning new tricks, and I thank my husband for it.
A few years ago, Brian wanted a bike for his birthday and Father’s Day. The two fall closely together. His knees were getting bad, and that seemed to be a good, smooth way to get exercise. After about three or four rounds, though, he put the bike away. While he wanted to ride it, he did not want to ride alone.
Meanwhile, I also developed a desire for a bike. Maybe it was because he wanted a riding partner, but I think it was more because some 40 plus years ago, riding my bike was my world. I rode in our yard, on my grandma and grandpa’s gravel road, and even in our garage as rain pounded the tin roof. I could not get enough of riding.
So a few weeks ago, we headed back to Montgomery Cyclery to get me a bike for my birthday and Mother’s Day--because the two fall closely together.
What I did not anticipate was the heart-clenching fear I experienced when I got on it. When did they make bikes so far off the ground? When did the tires get so big? And what on earth do I do with these gears and handbrakes? My little banana seat Huffy (I think) from my middle school days did not have all these features!
But we had just spent a good amount on this bike. I had a choice: put the bike in the garage or swallow my fear and swallow my pride and ask Brian how to work these features I had never encountered.
I got on and rode. I took a walk of shame or two--mostly because I couldn’t figure out how to shift to go up a hill--but the rewards were greater than the embarrassment. I learned something new.
Last week, our daughter also got a bike. This child knows little fear, and she is as determined as her father. She is a scuba diver. She dove off a cliff last summer. (“It was only 10 feet up, Mom.”) If you say, “Let’s do,” she is there. She plans to practice at Children’s in pediatric trauma. Thankfully, our culture for girls is changing, and she sees no limits in what she can do.
But riding a bike was a challenge for her. She recently had knee surgery, and she is in therapy. It is still tender, but she got on and rode. And she had no idea how to work the gears. She had never had a bike with them. While her dad took to the grades of AJ Jolly Park’s trails, I was the one left behind to teach her the gears so she could pull those same hills, and I was the one to encourage her as she fought those grades her dad took so easily. I want her to hold onto that determination (that we often call stubbornness) that she has now, and I want her to develop beyond what is expected of her. Her dad benefited from it as a young injured man. She will benefit from it as a young Asian woman. She lives in a culture that has opened doors to all, regardless of gender or ethnicity, and while we may have a long way to go in those areas, no one gets where she wants to go without a battle.
As much as I have shunned sports in my lifetime, I am learning to see their benefits. Scuba has brought our daughter a confidence that we could never give her and has put her in with people who challenge her mental faculties as they challenge her physically. I have taken up a sport-hobby that has already, in just a few weeks, increased my ability to see beyond limitations I placed on myself and that even the culture at one time placed on me.
Brian did not allow himself to be limited 32 years ago by a devastating injury because he felt he owed it to is family to overcome.
As a woman who is aging--ever so slightly--I owe my daughter the same.
