Touch screens, apostrophes and my crankiest things
It’s probably because I’ve already burrowed my way through my cache of Halloween chocolate, but I’m feeling cranky. Old-man cranky.
I glanced at the year snickering on the wall calendar. I’ve earned the right to be old-man cranky. I am, after all, not just from way back in the 1900s, but the 1950s at that.
That means the nose hairs and ear hairs are growing faster and thicker than the thinning strands on my head.
It means when I stand up, it sounds like the whole percussion section kicked into high gear with all the clicks, clacks, snaps, pops and whooshes.
It means I not only forget why I walked into a room, but I’m not always certain that I’m even in the right house.
So, I’m cranky.
And before you send the message, “Awe, that’s to bad,” DON’T. The misuse of aw, awe and ah, and to, too and two (or even et tu) contributes to my crankiness almost as much as inappropriate apostrophes.
You might want to grab me a handful of buckeyes — the peanut butter-filled chocolate balls — to calm me down before I crank up into a full-blown old man foot-stomping tirade about my lawn and how you should get off of it.
What pushed me over the edge today was a visit to a fast food restaurant. I walked up to the counter, visions of burritos dancing in my head, when the teen at the register said, “You need to use the kiosk.”
He pointed behind me to one of those infernal touch-screens that have popped up in fine fast food establishments everywhere.
Noticing my snow-white beard and ear hairs, the kid came around the counter and walked me to the kiosk, so that I couldn’t escape. “Do you need help using this?”
Listen, pup, my generation was breaking in these new-fangled computation machines probably before your parents were born. Yes, I know how to use a blasted touch screen.
It’s just that I don’t want to. I don’t want to download your app, either. The automated voice on the drive-through board at one of my grazing spots always greets me with, “Would you like to use your mobile app today?”
No, doggone it! I’m here. Put a human on to take my order!
What happened to people? Have we chucked real live flesh and blood out the back door in favor of touch screens, apps and some nonsense called QR codes?
C’mon, I live alone. “Would you like fries with that” might be the only human interaction I get all day. Talk to me.
Maybe you’d rather not, because I’m cranky.
Instead, I get tons of emails and text messages so that we don’t have to actually talk. And invariably, they make me cranky for the above stated misuse of the English language.
Let’s review: “Aw,” is what you say when something’s cute; “awe” is what you use when you are amazed at a wondrous sight, as in you’re in awe of my crankiness; “ah,” is what your medical professional tells you to say when she slaps a tongue depressor in your mouth. And an “awl” is close but definitely no cigar, unless maybe you’re ice fishing.
And I cannot stress this enough: An apostrophe DOES NOT MAKE ANYTHING PLURAL!!
Yeah, that one really makes me cranky.
When I see a mailbox lettered “The Smith’s,” I want to know who is THE Smith, and what’s the rest of the sentence? Smith’s what? The apostrophe denotes possession.
If you mean there are a bunch of people living there, and they all have the last name of Smith, the mailbox should state “The Smiths.” No apostrophe. Because — follow me closely here — an apostrophe DOES NOT MAKE ANYTHING PLURAL!!
It could be the Smiths’ house. The apostrophe there means there’s more than one person named Smith who claims that house.
Please, I’m old, hair grows in weird places, my knees sound like a snare drum, and young pups think I’m technologically deficient. Don’t make me crankier. Stop abusing apostrophes.
Or send chocolate.
You can find Burt’s place (yes, singular possessive) at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook. Touch the screen. Someone will be with you shortly.