Say that again, but this time make it make sense
BURTON W. COLE, Editor
By Burton W. Cole
“I would agree with you,” my former friend said, “but then we’d both be wrong.”
“This is why I talk to myself so much,” I shot back. “It’s the only way I can have a conversation with someone who’s intelligent.”
A passer-by stopped, stared first at him, then at me, shook her head, and muttered, “Has there ever been a man who made any sense?”
“Oh, yeah?” It was the most profound retort my friend could think of on the spur of the moment. Thinking always was a burden for him.
I crossed my arms. “Answer me this: If a man says something in the forest, and there’s no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?”
“Everyone has the right to be stupid once in a while,” she said. “But some people abuse that privilege.” She gave me what I assume was supposed to be a meaningful look. “I don’t have enough crayons to explain this to you.” She walked away.
“Is your name Google?” I shouted after her. “You act like you know everything!”
I wasn’t positive but I think I was losing the battle of wits. Or the battle of half-wits.
It was time to add some firepower to my arsenal of questionable wisdom and silly sayings. Here’s what I’ve collected so far:
• I always say “morning” instead of “good morning.” If it were a good morning, I’d still be sleeping and not talking to people.
• People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. (Winnie the Pooh/ A. A. Milne
• I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
• Run like the winded.
• When I ask for directions, please don’t use confusing words like “north” and “west.”
• I’d never pretend to not see you in public. You’re one of the few people I find tolerable.
• I’m not weird. I’m a limited edition.
• I made my to-do list for the day. Now I gotta find someone to do it.
• Can you hear that? That’s my pillow calling, and it gets really mean if I make it wait too long.
• The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. (Terry Pratchett)
• If he ever got a good idea, it would die of loneliness.
• I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times. Maybe eight or nine. Just to be sure.
• I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.
• When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I am a problem solver.
• An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
• If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can help you out.
• If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
• No, you’re not adopted. But we’ve placed an ad.
• You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. (Joan Rivers)
• Do you remember me asking you for your opinion? Yeah, me neither.
• Reality continues to ruin my life. (Calvin/Bill Watterson)
• My brain has too many tabs open.
• Whatever you do, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.
• Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. (Stephen Hawking)
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