Daylight saving time warp cuts into progress
BURTON W. COLE, Editor
By Burton W. Cole
Dear Boss,
I know you expected me to finish that important report. In fact, I know you were counting on it.
But it’s not my fault that there will be a big blank space where you expected to publish the report, which would have been brilliant, by the way.
As you know, daylight saving time went into effect this week, and while that means another hour of sun in the evening, it also means I lost a whole hour of work — the very hour I’d set aside to write the report.
I’m telling you, it was going to be a masterpiece.
But what could I do? There were only 23 hours in the day.
Where did that hour go? I have no idea. I don’t even know who decided that clocks had to spring ahead.
Possibly it was Kevin Hart. He’s quite the card, you know.
Or maybe it was Jimmy Fallon with one of his “Tonight Show” stunts.
My guess is it was those clown princes of magicians, Penn and Teller. They’re always pulling some kind of crazy stunt. Has anyone seen them lurking around Big Ben lately?
All I know is that time travel isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. We vaulted a full hour into the future, and I’m no richer, we still don’t have flying cars, and Doc and Marty are nowhere to be found.
And my genius report missed the portal.
This weird phenomenon has been occurring for years. I remember telling my late wife that I was going to hang that shelf she wanted, I’d hook up her VCR player and I was going to clean the garage.
But every time I set out to accomplish one of those tasks, we switched to daylight saving time, and the very hour I was going to do those things was wiped off the face of the clock.
Here’s an idea: In November, we fall back an hour. I don’t know what that’s called — probably daylight spending time.
If you can just hold off another eight months, we’ll all crowd into Mr. Peabody and Sherman’s WABAC Machine, zip back in time and retrieve that missing hour.
Then I will be able to fetch my wonderful report in all its luminous sagacity.
Oh, wait, I just remembered, it is a highly respected tradition to sleep an extra hour whenever we score 25 hours in a day. You wouldn’t want me to violate tradition, would you?
I’m pretty sure the pursuit of an extra hour of pillow time is listed in the Bill of Rights. Or in one of the articles of the Constitution of the United States. I’d research that so that I could cite chapter and verse, but I’m running an hour behind schedule because of… but I’ve already explained all of that.
We’ve already misplaced a full hour. I’m sure you don’t want to lose another one having me repeat myself.
True, I know there are some rebellious people who, knowing they have an extra hour of sleep, stay up an extra three hours, possibly playing pachisi. Be assured, I am not one of those rebels. I don’t even know how to play pachisi.
All I’m saying is the first chance I’ll get to write that report is Nov. 2, which is when the missing hour somehow reappears. Except that I’ll be asleep, so that won’t work either.
It really is a shame. You would have loved my report. And given me a raise. Tell you what, let’s just skip to the raise part. And if someone asks for the report, tell them it’s lost in a time warp.
Enjoy the extra hour of sunlight.
Signed,
Your wise and faithful employee.
Burt’s a little groggy from losing an hour of sleep. He plans to make up for that by crawling under his desk at work and napping. Sing lullabies at news@falmouthoutlook.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.