Let the ball drop; I’m going to bed until 2023
By Burton W. Cole, Columnist
Every Jan. 1, we resolve to lose 20 pounds by next Christmas. (I have only 30 pounds to go).
So what do we do on Dec. 31? We mash into our mouths all the stuff we’re swearing to never again to put into our newly sleek and sexy bodies.
Come Jan. 1, we surprise all our friends and relatives by keeping that resolution for a least a full day. Not because of a sudden burst of willpower.
Nope. It’s because we’re too sick.
Turns out that gobbling every bite of ribs and sauerkraut, every crumb of double-glaze doughnuts and every gulp of eggnog on Dec. 31 wasn’t the smartest thing we did all year. At least it was the last stupid stunt we pulled in the outgoing calendar.
That greenish body sagging against the mirror won’t be mistaken for sleek nor sexy — not even by a seasick elephant seal.
Once we do get to feeling better and can keep our resolutions down on the basis of resolve alone, those tried and true habits with seniority reclaim their turf, and our world settles back into a comfortable peace.
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
This is why I resolve to make no New Year’s resolutions. I don’t like to lie.
And by skipping the resolution process altogether, I still end up at the same place — pudgy and happy and chomping the last of Aunt Betty’s famous Christmas fudge — without all the trauma.
Also, don’t look for me on any dance floors at any ball-dropping festivities.
The great philosopher Bill Vaughan said, “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”
I’ve passed middle age and I’m going to bed. We party poopers figure that the years can find its own in without any advice from us. I’d prefer to review the terms and conditions before allowing 2023 onboard, but I’ll be too busy snoring by 9 p.m. Well, OK, 8.
Since I’ll be conked out, let me call on a few great philosophers to offer their thoughts and opinions on how to create a fantastic new year:
“I’m gonna order a pizza five minutes before the new year and when they arrive I will say, “I ordered this a year ago!” — Anonymous
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” — Bill Vaughan
New Year’s resolution: to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” — James Agate
“This New Year’s I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2.” — Melanie White
“You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” — Charlie Brown
“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.” — Anonymous
“If it takes me more than two days to break my resolutions, I’ve made too many.” — Anonymous
“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” — Proverbs 16:9
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” — Philippians 4:6
“Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.” — Helen Keller
Find more tips for a healthier you (Ha! Kidding!) from Burt at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or at www.burtonwcole.com.