LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

My heart skipped when I spotted the set of bedsheets with matching comforter that complemented the color scheme of my bedroom.A sense of excitement flushed over me as I gently positioned them in my shopping cart next to the memory foam bath mats.I have never been more frightened in my life.

Whatever I needed came free inside cereal boxes

Breakfast became boring when there no longer were free prize stashed inside every box.“But, Burt,” you say, “my Super Frosted Sugar-Coated Flakes do have prizes. All I have to do is scan this QR code…”Stop it!

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

Getting sick just isn’t any fun anymore.The best part of wallowing through a cold or flu or hangnail or some other major medical catastrophe was that it came with a free pass to drive my wife nuts. Who would yell at a man in agony, right?

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

With age comes wisdom — or so is the claim. It’s my birthday week. Now that I’m older and grayer, I can hardly wait to figure out how much smarter I am. At my age, I must be approaching genius level.So come, kiddies, learn at the feet of your Uncle Burtie.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

The geezer counting out his change lost track and started counting over. The kid in his 20s bouncing behind him let loose a tirade about the doltishness of old people.“What is this, a nursing home?” the youngster groused. “I mean, look at that guy. He has to be in his 60s. He’s ancient!

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

“Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”That was one of the nuggets I found in a packet mailed to me by my friend Marcie, aka, The Joke Lady.The thing is, she wasn’t joking.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

Over the years, I have carefully cultivated my persona as a guy who can’t fix things. You may laugh, but it’s kept me safely away from numerous repair jobs and household disasters.When the pipe under the sink let go, I heard, “Burt, help! Come out here and fix this… Never mind. I’ll call Bruce.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

Classrooms are back in session, which means it is that time of year to celebrate two of our most important national holidays: the start of football season and the end of back-to-school-shopping season.Both are extremely significant dates. It is hard to know which is more important.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

In their “Dad’s Rule Book,” authors Ally Probst and Joel Willis discuss those goofy phrases that all dads are required by the U.S. Constitution, the laws of physics and riddles dug out of a Cracker Jacks box to utter.Did you get a haircut? Dad’s gotta quip: “Looks like you got your ears lowered.

LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

“You know what we oughta do?”I cringed. Whenever Cousin Ollie said that, I knew I was about to get folded, bent, stapled or spindled, with a spot of mutilation on the side.But curiosity got the better of me. “What should we do?”“We ought to hold our own summer Olympic Games,” Ollie said.