Prepping for winter, one Oreo at a time
BURTON W. COLE, Editor
By Burton W. Cole
No, I am not caught in unhealthy eating habits. I am preparing for winter the way all those nature shows taught.
Take, for example, the walrus. He’s a big ol’ guy with whiskers — like me.
The walrus survives the winter cold with a thick layer of fat under his skin. This blubber can be up to six inches thick and can be a full third of the critter’s body mass in the winter.
Walruses do this by gobbling huge amounts of shrimp and clams. Cool. I can do that. For the scientific and natural sake of inducing quite necessary blubber.
Walruses also eat sea slugs, worms, snails, sea cucumbers and octopuses. This part of the plan doesn’t thrill me as much.
There’s a very good reason that walruses snack on slugs, worms and snails—there aren’t a lot of Subways or Sheetz stores in the Arctic, otherwise walruses would eat meatball sandwiches and Oreo cookies, I’m sure of it. It’s how I prefer to build my blubber.
Bears wisely choose to curl up and sleep away winter. But first, they prepare with hyperphagia, which is a ten-dollar word that means they eat like eating’s going out of style — because for them, it will all winter long.
Bears pack away up to 20,000 calories a day to build up their fat reserves. (And again we see that fat isn’t bad; it’s a lifesaver for bears and walruses.)
The nature shows tell us that bears dine big time on nuts, berries, fruits, roots, grass, bugs, fish and carrion before their long winter’s nap.
This is because bears don’t have cars. They can’t motor up to the McDonald’s drive-through for a burger, fries and a shake.
Most grocery stores also have some sort of policy that prohibits bears from roaming the aisles to fill a cart with pizzas or stuffing and gravy. Bears could build up those 20,000 daily calories a whole lot faster with a shopping cart than by gnawing on tree roots and beetles.
Man and beast do not prepare for winter by bread alone.
Have you noticed how shaggy cows become in November and December? Deer, mountain goats, beavers otters… even cats and dogs let their hair down for winter. Nature has decreed that critters that need to survive cold winter months must avoid barbers, groomers and stylists.
This explains why I tend to look, to be polite, unkempt. It’s because I’m doing what nature intended. It’s been months since I’ve been to the groomers. I’m preparing for winter.
Another thing our wise animal friends do is line nests and dens with warm materials.
The nature programs show birds lining their nests with soft grasses and down to provide insulation from the wind. Squirrels use sticks and leaves to build nests called dreys, and line the insides with grass, pine needles, fur or other soft materials for extra insulation.
Foxes grow long fur and line their dens with things like leaves and grass for softness and insulation.
The reason birds, squirrels, foxes and other nesting creatures do this is because they don’t have Amazon accounts. They cannot order flannel bathrobes, fleece covers and weighted wool blankets.
I am busy building my winter nest with all of these things.
Plus, I have an electric fireplace, plastic for the windows and a big-screen TV.
I intend to obey the very laws of nature by burrowing into an easy chair nest, a few packs of Oreos at my side to refresh my blubber as needed and hibernate until April.
I’m not sure how I’m going to break the news to my boss, but I don’t figure he’ll come looking for me. He’s probably seen those nature shows about what happens to people who wander into the cave of a hibernating bear. Especially if you try to steal his Oreos.
Curl up with Mr. Fuzzy Blubber news@falmouthoutlook.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook. Watch out for the cookie crumbs.