This pumpkin focus group grew downright gooey
All I wanted was some practical, fulfilling uses for that gooey, squishy stuff you scoop from inside Halloween pumpkins. I put the question to a bunch of otherwise reasonably intelligent adults.
That’s when the trouble started.
They formed a focus group and appointed us all to a Pumpkin Goo Committee to discuss the issue and develop a set of proposals.
I knew right then I’d be stuck holding the gunky innards of the pumpkin. Focus groups and committees are OK for major businesses, weekend retreats, politics and other assemblies in which you don’t want to actually accomplish anything.
But they are no good when you need a quick, rewarding answer for what to do with the gob of goo oozing between your fingers and down your arm.
My fears were confirmed when Marilyn suggested baking the goopy glop. Friends of hers insisted the stuff should be splattered onto a cookie sheet, salted and baked until crispy. They claimed it was wholesome and nutritious.
We kicked Marilyn out of the focus group.
Drema suggested a marketing plan aimed at cheap, balding men. The follicly challenged group could slop the stringy gunk on their heads in place of a toupee.
Now we were getting somewhere.
Daryl remembered chasing his kid sister around the house with handfuls of the stuff. It’s the perfect facial treatment for younger siblings not big enough to haul you back and dunk you in the pumpkin.
Interesting. I considered trying that stunt with my wife. The frosty glare that lit me up from across the table made me reconsider. I needed a plan less likely to end up with broken bones, mine in particular.
What else did anyone do with the stuff as kids?
The group grew silent. That’s another problem of civilized adults in focus groups. Their memories get whitewashed beneath a veneer of respectability. All the worthwhile memories, anyway.
If I was to believe them, they had all been model citizens, right through their teen years. This seemed unlikely to me but I thought it polite not to say so.
Finally, Larry said, “Well, no, we didn't do anything with the pumpkin innards, but we did come across a dead black snake once. We got some fishing line and hooked it to the snake...”
Focus groups also aren’t very good at maintaining actual focus. Suddenly, I was struck with an idea for the pumpkin goo involving the focus group itself to get us back on track. But it was too late. We were off down a rabbit trail. Or a viper pit.
I slumped back and listened to Larry drone on about his stupid snake.
“...and we hid in our garage across the street. Every time a car came by, we yanked the snake across the road. Cars would careen everywhere. A lot of drivers opened their car doors, took aim and threw their cars in reverse to hit him again! We had to yank the snake into the garage to preserve it.”
“Cool! Great idea!” said one focus group member, trying to convey the message that we all really wanted to talk about pumpkin goo.
I raised my hand. “Isn’t that, like, abuse of a corpse or something?”
Larry raised his eyebrows and pointedly stared at the hollowed-out pumpkin in front of me. “Weren’t you just elbow deep in the guts of a plucked pumpkin?”
Daryl rubbed his chin. “The snake must have got scuffed up with road friction burns.”
“Oh, he did,” Larry said. “But we had a can of black paint in the garage. When he looked to be getting wore out, we just dipped him in.
“We painted him three times.”
Larry chuckled. “One lady who drove by our house twice that day knocked on the door and said, ‘I saw two black snakes go into your garage.’ We said, ‘Thank you. We'll go hunt them out after a bit.’”
The group fell into fits of unexplained laughter, then split up looking for snakes. Our Pumpkin Goo Committee had become totally unfocused on my problem.
“But what do I do about my pumpkin goo?” I wailed as orange glop dried around my wrists and knuckles.
“Throw a glob at the kids and let them experiment,” Daryl yelled over his shoulder. “Then wallop whomever they splatter with the stuff.”
Finally, some practical advice from a focus group. I wondered if my kid sister was around.
Your focus group can send favorite fall stunts to Burt at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.