With age comes wisdom - but this ain’t it
With age comes wisdom — or so is the claim. It’s my birthday week. Now that I’m older and grayer, I can hardly wait to figure out how much smarter I am. At my age, I must be approaching genius level.
So come, kiddies, learn at the feet of your Uncle Burtie.
Many of Solomon’s pearls of wisdom were collected in the Book of Proverbs. Here are nuggets of knowledge I have collected from many sources and compiled in The Cole Bin:
• An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
• If you take a social media sabbatical, don’t announce it. Just make your last post something like, “I wonder if there’s a bear in this cave.”
• Anything with raisins in it would be 10 times better with chocolate chips. For example, oatmeal raisin cookies. Even better example, a box of raisins.
• Things no one said in the 1960s: I lost my phone.
• I’ve been feeling moody and run down lately, so I looked up my symptoms. It’s adulthood. I’m suffering from a case of adulthood.
• I’m at a point where I don’t even know the point I’m at, but I am at a point.
• It’s weird how some days, I feel reasonably healthy, and other days, I feel like a busted can of biscuits.
• What a year this week has been.
• Things that were never said in the 1960s: I ordered groceries through the app.
• The early bird can keep the worm. Coffee works for me.
• Wanted: A caretaker for my beach house. Also, a beach house. Also, money for a beach house.
• Be thankful it isn’t snowing. Imagine shoveling snow in this heat!
• If it requires fake smiling, I won’t come.
• Sometimes I wondered what happened to the people who asked me for directions.
• People always tell introverts to be more talkative and leave their comfort zones, yet no one tells extroverts to shut up to make the zone comfortable.
• Things that were never said in the 1960s: Remember to put on your bicycle helmet and elbow pads.
• You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
• Kids today are soft. I’m pretty sure I died once when I was 7 and my mom made me walk it off.
• The last thing I remember is telling her, “Calm down. You’re overreacting.” And then I woke up here. Where am I?
• Welcome to Assumption Club. I think we all know why we’re here.
• If you lose one sense, your other senses become enhanced. That’s why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.
• If you’re ever feeling sad, just go for a run. Then you’ll realize that your physical health is way worse than your mental health.
• Things that were never said in the 1960s: What’s the WiFi password?
• I will never understand people’s fascination with their ancestry. Isn’t knowing your current family bad enough?
• I would be a morning person if morning happened around 1 p.m.
• You know you’re a bad driver when Siri says, “In 400 feet, stop and let me out.”
• Every once in a while, someone amazing comes into your life … and here I am! You’re welcome.
• Even if you have pains, you don’t need to be one.
• Sometimes, I just want someone to hug me and say, “I know it’s hard, but you’ll be OK. Here’s some chocolate and $10 million.”
• I think he’s old enough now to change his name to Ryan Goose.
• “Do not grow old, no matter how long you live.” — Albert Einstein
• I always thought getting old would take longer.
• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.
• If an old dude gives you advice while peeling an apple with a pocketknife and eating slices right off the blade, you should probably take it.
• Things that were never said in the 1960s: I need to go the charging station to plug in my car.
• Don’t ever tell God what you’ll never do. He will have you nevering like you’ve never ever nevered before.
Heap your wisdom upon the old geezer at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.