The 'great philosophers' spill on love and marriage
“Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”
That was one of the nuggets I found in a packet mailed to me by my friend Marcie, aka, The Joke Lady.
The thing is, she wasn’t joking. When I was a newlywed the first time around, my bride sometimes cued me in on the complaints various of her friends registered about their husbands.
I smiled smugly, knowing that my bride could only brag about how she hit the marital jackpot with me.
It was only later that I realized the word she used was “jerkpot.”
It turned out that, apparently, I do possess several faults. Pages of them, really, including but not limited to, “You breathe too loudly.”
“Would you like me to stop?”
I didn’t care for the way she looked when I offered. It reminded me of another line in the list from Marcie: “I married my wife for her looks — but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.”
Another pearl of wisdom on the list of marriage musings was this Rita Rudner observation: “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
I am not bashing marriage. I miss it. My second wife, Terry, passed away about 15 months ago, and I’ve been without adult supervision ever since. It’s scary.
In the words of the great philosopher Henny Youngman, “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”
Terry always claimed the reverse was the case, but I knew the truth.
It reminds me of the quote by the great philosopher Anonymous: “A good relationship is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Since I have no one with whom to think about it (apply within), I consulted the great philosophers to get their take on love and wholly deadlock, er, holy matrimony. I can add these insights to The Joke Lady’s list:
“Love is being stupid together.” — Paul Valery
“You say you love flowers, but you cut them. You say you love animals, but you eat them. Now you say you love me, and I’m scared!” — anonymous
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck
“Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.” — anonymous
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito
“No husband was ever shot while doing the dishes.” — William Heidrich (my late father-in-law)
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” — Jean Illsley Clarke
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” — Joseph Barth
“Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” — Ogden Nash
“To keep your marriage brimming; with love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash
“It’s amazing how one day someone walks into your life, and then the next day you wonder how you lived without them, and how you live with them,” — anonymous
“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” — Franklin P. Jones
If one has to be institutionalized, marriage is a wonderful institution to be in. Hang on!
Send wedding proposals to Burt at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.