Daddy Caddies dream of Slugs instead of shopping
Classrooms are back in session, which means it is that time of year to celebrate two of our most important national holidays: the start of football season and the end of back-to-school-shopping season.
Both are extremely significant dates. It is hard to know which is more important.
Guys have lived without football before. Not well, but it has happened.
We’ve just finished the Olympics and baseball season is rounding third and heading for home. If those don’t work, we can always fix things around the house that aren’t broken, among other sports to amuse ourselves.
But shopping of most any kind is cruel and unusual punishment. And back-to-school shopping is a particularly fatal strain of this disease.
Back-to-school shopping often entails hours of hacking one’s way through acres and acres of clothing racks, shoe shelves, glue and crayon aisles, and a dizzying array of electronics, all at a cost slightly less than the national debt.
The father’s primary function during this torture is to hold out his arms. The shoppers in the family then will fill them with one part “Clothes We Will Buy” and four parts “Clothes Daddy will Carry Around for Five Hours until We Find a Dressing Room and Debate and Decide.”
Look around any department store or mall during back-to-school season. You will see us, loaded arms outstretched, trailing family shopping safaris.
Together, we make up one of the largest organizations in America: the Back-to-School Daddy Caddies.
Sometimes, Daddy Caddies are asked for their opinions. But when it becomes apparent our fashion knowledge begins and ends with, “Lemme see the price tag,” we are made to hush up and keep our arms outstretched.
Back-to-school shopping is not fun for Daddy Caddies. Nor are grumbling, fashion morons who fail to understand the joy of clothes shopping in pleasant company for the rest of the costly caravan.
That is why, to mark this national, end-of-the-season holiday, I wish to promote the business venture of my friend Tom the sportswriter.
I must stress here that Tom has full rights to this simply brilliant idea, and that it cannot be stolen without lengthy legal battles and possible appearances on “Court TV.” Or possibly “Shark Tank.” However, I believe he will negotiate franchising opportunities.
Tom plans a national chain of shopping alternatives for men. The working name for this chain is “Slugs R Us.”
Because of possible trademark infringements with an actual shopping chain with a similar name — even though it and it’s giraffe mascot have slipped quietly into the night — the name may need shortened to just “Slugs.”
“Slugs” would be a storefront, only filled with booths equipped with easy chairs and large screen TVs with streaming services. Each booth would come with popcorn, nachos, cold drinks and hot meatball sandwiches. And a remote control.
For a modest fee — although I believe Tom could charge outrageous prices and get it willingly, so great would be the demand — guys could rent a booth, strip to their underwear, sink into a recliner, scratch themselves, zap on football, baseball or the shoot-em-up action thriller of their choice, and finally enjoy the family shopping trip.
Tom is sitting on the golden recliner with this one.
It might get guys to return to malls before their next major shopping influx, which is scheduled for approximately 4:35 p.m. Dec. 24 (when malls close at 5 p.m.). And only then if a game isn’t on.
Happy holidays.
Drop into a La-Z-Boy beside Burt at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.