Of moms, kids and (Put that down, now!) insanity
BURTON W. COLE, Editor
By Burton W. Cole
It was the great philosopher Betty White who observed, “It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”
I’ve been thinking about moms lately. Next week is my mom’s birthday. I can’t tell you what number but it’s the one with double eights in the frosting. We have fire extinguishers ready.
Three days after Mom’s birthday is Mother’s Day. Mom couldn’t have become a mother without my help.
In those early days, it was just Mom, Dad and me. Things were pretty nice, peaceful and wonderful back then. And then 2 ½ years into this perfect arrangement, those interlopers began showing up.
Mom and Dad seemed pretty excited about presenting me with baby brothers and eventually a baby sister.
I’d asked for a pet monkey. I guess those other kids were as close as the store could come to filling my order.
“Burton William, you be nice to your siblings. Being a mom is tough enough without you adding to the stress with your nonsense.”
Apparently, being a mother would be a whole lot easier if kids weren’t involved.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children,” the great philosopher Sam Levenson intoned.
I think he stole that saying from my mom.
I was always the thoughtful, considerate kid. If Mom was on the phone trying to sort out some crisis with the bank, I would wait politely for her to stop talking, then whisper my questions in her free ear. Mom shushed me away, as if she couldn’t listen to both the banker and me at the same time.
I just thought she’d want to know about the paint can that — all by itself, without any help whatsoever from me — sloshed across the living room carpet.
As the great philosopher Rita Rudner put it, “My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
I prefer the great philosopher Mark Twain’s confession: “My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”
I noticed that he didn't ask his mom to verify the fun.
But getting back to the point, Mom’s birthday and Mother’s Day are coming up fast, and I’m trying to come up with worthwhile tributes for the woman who patched my shirts and threatened to sew three inches of lace to the bottoms of my jeans after one of my growing spurts.
I could pull into her driveway and honk the horn to remind her of Dad. That’s how they shared duties equally whenever we went on a trip.
Mom bathed us kids, laid out clothes, searched for missing shoes, baked a covered dish, washed a load of clothes because we’d already got the first set dirty, combed our hair, sent us back to the bathroom to brush our teeth (“and use toothpaste this time”), found more clothes because my shirt ripped all on its own while I was chasing my brothers, called for reservations, whipped up dessert, packed the picnic basket, packed the diaper bag, and tried to get dressed herself.
Dad’s duty was to sit in the car and honk.
“A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it,” the great philosopher Marcelene Cox said.
Maybe it wasn’t an equal division of labor.
It was the great philosopher Milton Berle who pondered: “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
Maybe what I can get Mom for all her years of looking after us is a family-sized bottle of pain reliever.
“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, ‘Keep away from children,’” the great philosopher Susan Savannah said.
But we kids cared about our mom. Every time she locked the bathroom door, we pounded on it every 30 seconds to make sure she was okay.
“Silence is golden,” Mom philosophized. “Unless you have kids. Then you better go see what they’re up to this time.”
Happy birthday, Mom. And to all you mothers out there, an early Happy Mother’s Day.
What do you mean you should have brought home a puppy instead?
John J. Plomp said, “The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents.” Wear out Burt at news@falmouthoutlook.com