Finding my funny little Valentine card
By Burton W. Cole
It’s time to scribble sweet nothings in Valentine’s Day cards, but I’m having trouble coming up with just the right words to say.
My favorite romantic quote comes from Rita Rudner: “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
I’ve been assured that that is nothing like the sweet nothing I should whisper in anyone’s ear, especially not anyone to whom I am joined in matrimonial deadlock.
Apparently, even though I am a widower looking for love, I’ve forgotten romance. Or more likely, never knew in the first place.
I proposed to my late wife with a Ring Pop. I can’t remember if it was cherry, watermelon or grape, but baby, that rock was huge!
She married me anyway.
It was easier when I was in elementary school. We took shoeboxes to school and decorated them in construction paper hearts and flowers — or skulls and crossbones warnings against flowers and lace for us boys.
Then we had to address these little Donald Duck, Scooby-Doo or Spider-Man cards covered in hearts to each kid in the class, whether you wanted them to “be mine” or not. Those were the rules. You had to drop at least one mushy-gooey sentiment through the slot of every kid’s heart-infested shoebox.
The dilemma for us boys was we didn’t want the girls to take the “I want you for my Valentine” printed on the cards as an invitation. Except for the ones we did. We each had a favorite cute classmate that we really hoped would swoon over that special Yosemite Sam or Pepe Le Pew card that we had picked out with care just for her.
Later in life, I learned that THOSE nerve-wracking conundrums were the good ol’ stress-free days. Relationships only become more complicated from there.
I still haven’t figured out what lines of love — or like — I should write.
“How about if I order a box of cards imprinted with the words ‘You’re my one and only true love,’ and pass those out to all my single female friends like in fourth grade?” I asked my advisers.
“You’re not in fourth grade anymore.”
Basically, to paraphrase a song by Johnny Lee, I’ve been looking for love quotes in all the wrong places.
I am determined to learn the language of love once again, or finally, whichever the case may be. I’ve been researching. Wouldn’t your shoebox heart just melt if I sent you one of these sweet nothings on a Magilla Gorilla Valentine card?
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” — Jenny Han
“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” — Bob Hope
“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns
“Love is an exploding cigar which we willingly smoke.” — Lynda Barry
“On Valentine’s Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays — fear.” — Dave Barry
“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” — Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
“If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that’s about as romantic as I can think of.” — Ryan Gosling
“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” — Joan Crawford
“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.” — Jim Gaffigan
“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” — Pearl Bailey
Be mine.
Send Snoopy Valentine’s to Burt at news@falmouthoutlook.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook. Drop marriage proposals into his decorated shoebox.