Recovering from the cure for the common cold
BURTON W. COLE, Editor
By Burton W. Cole
There’s nothing like a few mistimed coughs and sniffles to get the unlicensed doctors buzzing about you with their sure-fire cures for the common cold.
From snail slime to lizard soup, everyone seems to have enough pet poultices and peculiar practices to scare a sick guy into getting better — or else!
Each of these pests knows that their cure will work because their niece’s ex-boyfriend’s mother’s grandmother’s uncle’s neighbor swears by it. Or worse, they Googled it.
It’s like how everyone knows a shortcut to wherever you’re going, even if it’s to the mailbox in your own front yard. Most shortcuts add two to three hours onto the length of any trip.
This is why medical professionals recommend that you stay home when you’re sick. It’s not to protect others from whatever bugs you. It’s to protect YOU from getting bugged by a batch of home remedies and internet myths. Their cures could add two to three weeks to your suffering.
One such fun little recommended remedy is snail slime.
According to IFLScience and other sources, snail-based syrups and pastes have been used at least since the 1800s — and STILL are used in France in cough medicines. Supposedly, the icky gunk left behind by palm-sized slimers known as Roman or Burgundy snails reduces coughing.
However, the research to back up this claim is slim, and I’m not volunteering.
What I did lie still for was when my wife slathered the bottoms of my feet with Vicks VapoRub. I considered this weird and wacky, but hey, I’m not going to protest against a foot massage!
It turns out that, as happened far too often, Terry was right. The UVA Health system reports that the bottoms of the feet have bigger pores to better absorb the vapo slime that reduces congestion and coughing.
Less helpful, the doctors at UVA said, is the old remedy of putting garlic, onions or potatoes in your socks.
While many people would prefer to tromp on their vegetables (please tell me that this is not how my mom made mashed potatoes), the docs say you gotta eat ’em if you expect the antioxidants in them to do a body any good. Plus, it makes walking a whole lot easier.
Another thing you can eat is lizard soup. This one comes from Hong Kong, according to HealthLine. The “simple recipe calls for dried lizards, yams and Chinese dates simmered in water.”
If I’m sick enough that I don’t feel like getting out of bed, I’m surely too sick to chase lizards.
But, say the docs, if you prefer, you can turn to the Western equivalent — chicken noodle soup. It seems like anytime you sneeze, someone is shoving a bowl of chicken noodle soup at you. But does it help?
Yes, say the docs: Hot soup in a water-based broth, whether chicken or lizard, “helps replace fluids lost from sweating, blowing your nose and coughing,” as well as loosening congestion.
Less helpful is the “dirty socks” remedy. This involves greasing one’s throat with chicken fat or lard, then covering it all with dirty socks. It’s kind of like the Vicks on the feet thing but wrapping the socks around your neck instead.
How it came about as a remedy is unclear. A practical joke perpetuated by a big brother is my guess.
Plus, if you see someone wrapped in dirty socks walking your way, you’ll definitely be crossing the street and avoiding his germs.
Then there’s the Russian drink gogol mogul, a whisking together of an egg yolk with a teaspoon of honey or sugar in a half-cup of heated milk and a tablespoon of unsalted butter. And sometimes with rum mixed in.
The health experts say that the egg may work on scratchy throats and the hot milk may help one sleep — and the rum, I suspect, may help you not care.
Also featured in the lineup of suspicious remedies are pickled plums, turnips and a poultice made of sheep or cattle tallow wrapped in flannel, warmed and placed on the chest.
Or, I suppose, I could just go get my flu shot.
While I pause to go get my tissue box, send me your sure-fire, home-brewed remedies. Or recommend a shortcut to my mailbox.
I’m going back to bed.
Send your remedies to Burt at news@falmouthoutlook.com or the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook. When he stops coughing, he can let you know which worked and which were played for laughs, if he recovers from the cures.