Barking at the dog days of August
By Burton W. Cole
Every August when I was a kid, the stores in our town rolled their wares out onto the sidewalks and called it a “Dog Days of Summer Sale.”
Mom insisted that we go, and was surprised when I agreed without fussing. But when we got there, I was the one who was surprised.
“Where are the puppies?”
Mom was busy rifling through a rack full of boys pants under the hot sun. “What?”
“The puppies. The dogs on sale for summer?”
“There aren’t any dogs. They’re selling back-to-school clothes. Now go inside to the dressing room and try these on.”
I wish there had been dogs. A dog would chew up those stupid pants to shreds, then I wouldn’t have to try on any clothes. There wasn’t a hound in sight.
“If there ain’t no puppies, why do they call it dog days?”
“Because it’s August. August is the hottest month of the year. And dogs lie around on porches panting and sleeping. Here, try on these pants, too.”
I had more questions but the longer I hung around, the more clothes Mom would find for me to try on. I hated trying on clothes.
I wanted to curl up on a porch next to a dog and help him pant, not try on pants.
Outside of the county fair — where we showed cows, not dogs — August wasn’t a lot of fun. Baling hay was boring by August. Moms were always trying to get us to try on hand-me-downs for school. School was about to start again. And it was hot.
I think Walter Winchell had August in mind when he said, “It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
It was Sue Monk Kidd who wrote, “The month of August had turned into a griddle where the days just lay there and sizzled.”
August is awkward.
Why, just look at the special days celebrated in August. There aren’t any on real calendars, but the lineup of less official days this month are as odd as August. Here’s a sampling:
• Aug. 5 — It’s both Work Like a Dog Day (what happened to sleeping on the porch?) and Underwear Day (as hot as it is, maybe…)
• Aug. 6 — Wiggle Your Toes Day
• Aug. 8 — Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night (That one’s scarier than Halloween)
• Aug. 17 — Meaning of “Is” Day
• Aug. 18 — Bad Poetry Day (Roses are red, violets are blue…)
• Aug. 19 — It’s an August doubleheader! It’s both International Orangutan Day and Talk Like Jar Jar Binks Day. If neither of those appeal to you, it’s also National Potato Day.
• Aug. 20 — World Mosquito Day (No, thanks. I gave enough blood at the doctor’s office.)
• Aug. 24 — Go Topless Day (Umm…)
• Aug. 26 — National Toilet Paper Day (Do we celebrate by TP’ing the house of the neighbor who left zucchini on our porch a couple weeks earlier?)
• Aug. 28 — Take your pick! It’s Crackers on the Keyboard Day, National Power Rangers Day, and Race Your Mouse Day (for the crackers on the keyboard?)
• Aug. 29 — According to Hoyle Day. (It’s in the rules, I guess.)
• Aug. 31—National Trail Mix Day (Because August is about to hit the trail.)
As the great philosopher Mak Cov noted, “August is the Sunday of summer. I wish we could turn the hourglass over.”
Remember to hug your air conditioner. Because it’s the dog days of August. Try to look cool while you sit there panting. And melting.
Cool off with Cole at news@falmouthoutlook.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.