LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

By Burton W. Cole

Many ponderances puzzle my cousin Dweezil. When the questionable quandaries become too overwhelming, she chucks a few of them my way to smoke my brain for a bit.

Dweezil embraces the adage that misery loves company, and if you aren’t in a pickle, she’ll pinch you with a few of her predicaments. She always has enough quagmires and questionable scraps of wisdom to share to keep a person awake at night pondering the imponderables of life.

Say, you look a little too rested. Let me share a few of Cousin Dweezil’s conundrums and considerations:

• How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelight dinner or just regular dinner?

• If you put shoes and socks on a bear, will he still have bear feet?

• Why do people insist on saying such hurtful things, like “You want to go for a run?” or “You gotta try some of this kale”?

• Beef Wellington is just a corndog from a different socioeconomic background. Discuss.

• In Norway, “Up and not crying” is a standard response to “How are you,” and I think that’s a very reasonable standard to hold oneself to these days. So, how are you?

• “I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men. I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros.”

• I don’t believe that a pun has completely matured until it is full-groan.

• When someone says to me, “You’re acting weird,” why do they assume that I’m acting?

• To anybody I offended this year, work on yourself so I don’t gotta do it again in 2026.

• Do they call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken?

• I misspelled “I’m unstoppable,” and my phone autocorrected to “I’m unstable,” and honestly, that’s fair.

• Why is everyone against sugar? Who stood beside you when things went wrong and you were sad? It wasn’t broccoli, that’s for sure.

• The older I get, the more I can reason myself out of anything.

• My mama didn’t raise no quitter, but she did raise a pretty good procrastinator.

• I used to just crastinate, but I got so good at it that I went pro.

• I understand the need to be a responsible adult, but every day? Every single day? C’mon.

• I am going to try to act like a normal, happy and mentally stable person today. Wish me luck.

• Not everyone was born to cook. I personally was born to hold conversations with someone who’s cooking. Know your strengths.

• I am a survivalist. I can adapt to any situation. I drank my morning coffee out of a soup bowl because there were no clean cups. I thrive.

• I’m usually pretty good about sticking to a healthy diet unless I’m really sad or celebrating or bored or eating out or ordering in or if it’s the weekend or a Monday or if the game’s on TV or if there’s nothing on TV or if there’s something stressful going on…

• No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

• Why is baked pronounced baked but naked is pronounced naked? Is it because English is three languages wearing a trench coat pretending to be one?

• “You can’t hide at home forever” sounds like the easiest, most enjoyable challenge ever.

• When the job interviewer asks, “What’s your biggest weakness?” which one should I confess to, bread baskets or Boston cream doughnuts?

• I’m sorry that I’m cranky. I’m going through my Terrible Sixties now.

• Don’t worry about getting older. You’re still going to do stupid stuff, only more slowly.

I should stay awake at night worrying about Cousin Dweezil. But what really keeps me pacing the floors is that I think she’s making sense.

In case your brain isn’t hurting, you may keep pondering with Burt at news@falmouthoutlook.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.