Mayday, mayday, look out for these new days in May
BURTON W. COLE, Editor
By Burton W. Cole
As often happened, my weird cousin Ollie and I were bored and looking for something to do that wouldn’t get us yelled at again.
Ollie tossed a pebble at the side of the barn. “We could tie bows onto the cows’ tails and hold a Miss Moo-erica pageant.”
“That would get us yelled at again,” I said. “Maybe as badly as the time we tied burlap bag saddles onto the pigs and rode them into your living room.”
Ollie shuddered. “I’ve never seen Ma have such a conniption. It’s not like it was a new rug.”
I brushed my toe through the overgrown lawn, looking for four-leaf clovers. “You could mow the lawn like your mom told you to do.”
“Naw. I figure if I wait long enough, Pops will bring home some sheep. Sheep make great lawnmowers. You don’t even have to put gas in them. Maybe we could even saddle them. We’d have riding sheep mowers!”
“You’re not even allowed back on the riding mower, not after that incident in the garden.”
Ollie groaned. “Nobody believes me that the steering wheel locked up. Do they really think I’d chop down all the green beans on purpose?”
“Considering that you had to turn the wheel to go back and demolish the beets and asparagus too, I’m guessing that no one bought the steering thing.”
“Well, it comes and goes.”
“It came and went over the radishes, too.”
“I yelled mayday! It’s not my fault that the radishes didn’t move.”
“Hey, that’s what we can do and not get yelled at. We can make up new holidays to happen in May.”
“Will we get off school?”
“Of course,” I said. “We’ll send our list of holidays to Congress and they’ll make them laws and close the schools.”
Ollie rubbed his hands. “I declare May 1 as National Ollie Day.”
“Why would anyone celebrate you?”
“Um… because we’ll make it a law to eat ice cream on National Ollie Day. With hot fudge.”
“Well, OK, I guess. So let’s make May 2 National Burton Day. It’s marked by eating giant pieces of chocolate cake. With peanut butter frosting.”
“I got an idea. Let’s make it National Ollie and Burt Week. Then we can have the ice cream and cake together. All week.”
I was warming to this idea of creating your own holidays. “So what do we do the next week? That would be what, May 8?”
“Let’s make that the Miss Moo-erica Pageant Day. Everyone ties ribbons on their cows’ tails and parades them down the street.”
I snickered. “And May 9 could be Ride Your Pig Through the Living Room Day.”
Ollie cackled. “Yeah. That’s great, Burtie. Oh, and May 10 will be National Eat Lasagna Day, and May 11 will be Take Your Kids to the Roller Coasters Day, and May 12 will be…”
“Hold it! How are we going to remember all these great days? We gotta send this list to Congress, you know. I don’t think you can call Congress on the phone.”
“… and May 12 will be Call Congress on the Phone to Cancel School Day, and May 13 will be Mow Down All the Radishes, Beets and Green Beans Day, and…”
“Stop. I can’t keep up.”
“I’ll be right back.” Ollie dashed into the house. A couple minutes later, he ran back out, waving a paper in his hand. “Here you go. I’ll come up with the ideas and you write.”
“What’s this?”
“It’s May. I tore it off Ma’s calendar. And here, I don’t think she’ll mind us using her good fountain pen for such great days.”
And that’s how we got yelled at again. And how May became Your Grounded/Mow the Lawn Month but Stay out of the Garden Month.
Add your own special May days to Burt’s tall tale at news@falmouthoutlook.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.