LIFE IN THE COLE BIN

By Burton W. Cole

Decades ago, folk singer Jim Croce taught me a series of life lessons. The main points, as I recall, were these:

• You don’t tug on Superman’s cape;

• You don’t spit into the wind;

• You don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger;

• You don’t mess around with Jim.

The first three I managed quite well, especially since — despite my great desires — I never had the chance to meet either Superman or the Lone Ranger.

I faced plenty of wind and quickly understood the wisdom of watching which direction I spit.

I knew several Jims but wasn’t sure which was the one not to mess around with, but that was okay. By the end of the song, it was Slim that a guy would be wise to avoid. No problem—I didn’t know anyone named Slim.

Flash forward 53 years, and I got to wondering if there were still life lessons to be learned. I’m sure I must have learned something in the half decade since Jim Croce’s life lessons, but I couldn’t remember what.

I did some research to see what wisdom other great philosophers were willing to impart. Here’s what I learned:

• If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there. — Lewis Carroll

• You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? — Steven Wright

• Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. — Larry Lorenzoni

• Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. — anonymous

• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. — Jennifer Yane

• If you love someone, let them nap. — anonymous

• People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one. — Leo J. Burke

• Always drink upstream from the herd. — Cowboy Words of Wisdom

• If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. — Earl Wilson

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. — Greg King

• Never miss a good opportunity to shut up. — Will Rogers

• There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works. — Cowboy Words of Wisdom.

• If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. — Steven Wright

• People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it. — George Bernard Shaw• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. — Margaret Mead

• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. — Steven Wright

• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. — Will Rogers

• There is nothing better than a friend unless it is a friend with chocolate. — Linda Grayson

• You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself, he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job. — Laurence J. Peter

There, my friends, I think we all learned a little something about life today. And remember, don’t mess around with Slim.

Offer more life lessons to Burt at news@falmouthoutlook.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.