Becoming an adult—what a stupid thing to do!
BURTON W. COLE, COLUMNIST
By Burton W. Cole
Many heroes have come and gone throughout my life — Spider-Man, the Batman, Sherlock Holmes, Donald Duck...
The hero who endures — Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up.
I’ve been growing older (but not “up”) for more than 60 years now, and let me tell you, it wasn’t a very smart thing to do.
Sure, now I CAN stay up as late as I want. It turns out that’s 8 p.m. When I was a kid, I became surly when my parents set bedtime at 9 p.m. Now I’m even surlier when I’m forced to still be up at 10 p.m.
It’s proof that that the catchphrase that keeps popping up is true: Being an adult is stupid.
At long last, I can eat anything I want. What I crave most is someone to tell me, “No!” Besides my doctor, I mean.
As a kid, I couldn’t wait until I became an adult because NOBODY could tell ME what to do!
I became an adult. I take orders all day — my boss, her boss, my cat, kids, parking attendants, yellow-vested guys waving flags, from signs, signs, signs, everywhere a sign. EVERYBODY tells me what to do.
Simultaneously, I’m stuck guessing at all my life decisions by myself.
This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure. As one person said, “Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.”
It’s not just me. Collected from various sources where adults hang out:
* Nobody offers to show me a cool rock they found anymore. Adulthood is stupid.
* No one asked me if I can run faster in my new shoes. Adulthood is stupid.
* No longer does anyone reward me with a personal pan pizza for reading books. Being an adult is stupid.
* I got excited over a new crockpot. Now I know why people on game shows cheered when winning refrigerators, washers and stand mixers instead of toys. Can being an adult be anymore stupid?
* No one forces me to take a nap. I volunteer. But no one tells me how proud of me they are when I do. What a stupid thing adulthood turned out to be.
* I used to sneak out my house to go to parties. Now I sneak out of parties to go to my house. Adulthood is stupid (but I’m not—remember pouting when you weren’t invited to the party. Now we cry if we are. Adulting is… you know).
* Adults used to plunk me down in front of kids I’d never met and say, “You’re the same age. Go play.” Now everyone my age looks way older than me. But we all just want to leave the party and take a nap. Go play, indeed. Adulthood is stupid.
* I no longer fear monsters under my bed. I’m afraid there won’t be one to gobble me up so that I won’t have to go to work. Stupid adulthood.
* A meme I spotted read: “My fondest childhood memory is not having to spend 40 hours a week with people who make me feel angry and tired so that I can afford to buy paper towels and laundry detergent.” Adulthood — what a concept.
* Then there’s that horrifying moment when something bad happens and look for an adult to fix it, but then realize that you ARE an adult. So you begin searching for an “adultier adult.” Only to find out that adultier adult is looking for you! What a stupid idea to grow up.
Yep, of all the wrong acts I committed in life, growing up was the wrongest. I mean, most wrong. Because being an adult… it’s stupid.
Grab some Play-Doh and pixie dust, and meet Burt at the playground at burton.w.cole @gmail. com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.